Sometimes you just gotta start over for things to get better.

You’re the most difficult, hard headed, stubborn, confusing, impossible, and amazing person I’ve ever met. You make me wanna take your big ass head and slam it into a wall so maybe it would knock some sense into you. But, it wouldn’t. Because nothing does. Nothing I ever say or do ever matters or gets through to you. I don’t know what to do because I love you and I wanna be with you but I cant handle the mental abuse anymore. I changed because you did. So, both of us are monsters now and I cant make that better unless you do. So, get that through your thick fucking skull and get the fuck over yourself because this “I’m perfect and innocent & I’m always right. And you hurt me so bad all the time, blah blah blah” act has been old for a while. I’m fucking sick of it.

You say you’re gonna break up with me if I smoke, then I take pictures of myself and don’t text you back for a half an hour, while you’re supposed to be doing your work anyways, and you say you’re gonna smoke. Cool. Hypocritical fucking prick. UGH. 

So. Tonight is the start of a new way. I am quitting smoking, which I’ve done frequently recently. And I’m gonna all around get my shit together. Pull up my 4 F’s, Pass my sophomore year, and get a job and start financially supporting myself. And most of all, fix things with the person I adore and love most in the world. Sounds like a good plan. Will it work out or not? We’ll see. In the meantime, I’m going to be studying for my Biology final, making up all that work I was supposed to do, and spending time fixing myself.

This is a constant cycle of destruction. You say I lost passion, but you don’t show much when you’re sitting there on your high horse while I’m feeling remorse for something you made up in your head. I’m sick of feeling dead. I feel useless and unwanted. If you don’t want me, don’t keep me. Stop threatening to throw me away when every other day you say that you can never live without me. I wake up every other day desperate to talk to you, I long to love you. You ignore me and shut me out, you make me want to grab you and shout in your ear. But you still wouldn’t hear what I say. I lay in bed at night and cry myself to sleep because we fight about the stupidest things. I wish this would all just go away. We used to be so perfect. What happened? We got comfortable. We stopped sending those sweet texts that made us fall for each other in the first place. We acted like friends with benefits, not caring about each other and only caring about ourselves. We realized, we tried and tried and tried to fix it. We talked, we agreed to be better. We agreed to fix ourselves and said what we felt needed to help fix each other. We also said things out of anger. When we’re upset it’s hard to get through to our heads. You’re lonely with me, and lonely in my mind because you’re the only thing I think about. I know we don’t feel the same about each other. You hate me half the time and always fill your thoughts with the negative. Even though I’m not little miss sunshine, I still think about the good. I think about how much I love and care about you and how much I can’t wait to spend my life with you. But that chance is slipping through my small fat fingers because we’re both to emotional and stubborn to think about each others feelings. I want it to go away. I want it all to go away…

On most days lately, I’ve been going on the phrase “Life’s a bitch, then you die.” But, on the good days, I go on the popular phrase “Don’t worry, be happy.” Lately my life has been.. eh. I must admit, I’ve had a rough life. But, Since November 29th, It’s been a hell of a lot better. Even on the worst days. And the worst days have been lately. 

Well, lets start with the basics. I’m a 16 year old girl from the shitty sunshine state. I’m 4’11, with a boyfriend that’s 6’5. I love my boyfriend more then anything in the world. I will more then likely talk about him on here more then most things. I will also talk about myself mainly too. Good, bad, and ugly. Like most teens in our society today, I don’t have much confidence. I’ve had shitty things happen to me, and I’m still dealing with them and will most likely deal with them until I die. I’m very insecure and I over think most things. But, hell. Most kids are like that these days. I will post about my life. Kind of like a diary that everyone can read. If you have any comments or want advice or just wanna say hi, message me. If you don’t like my blog, don’t follow me. Stay golden.